Compared to last year time goes on very differently nowadays, It’s almost a strange sensation like I’m alive ! before I was always caught up in my dreams, I want to do that, I want to live there but truth be told I’ve never gone for it. I just wished for it, in my bed, on the bus, while I was walking the streets with my headphones on I could imagine my perfect live that in reality sucked quite a lot. Honestly, since I have dropped my headphones things started changing, I was listening to the silent, I was listening to the world outside, I was listening to myself, which was yelling from the inside but I was too busy dreaming about worthless things. Sometimes it feels like I snapped out of the jail that was my mind, mind you, I’ve still got a lot of work to do but it feels already different, like if I am no longer chained to the society…Facebook, planning the weekend, chasing the wrong girl and just because she looks nice, but the reality is that she is as thick as a brick and a waste of time and whatnot. The moment I focus on my breath it starts, that pressure at the center of my eyebrows brings my back to this world, I feel the air going down my lungs and my head becomes light and clear, it’s easy to do this when you are in your room, meditating or writing but not always it’s easy to do the same at work, with the pressure, the anxiety, the music in the kitchen and all the other people around, but I’m getting better. When I visualize my goals the vision is more clear, meditation lasts longer and feels deeper, body responds better to mind…I know, it’s not me, I wasn’t capable of doing all this last year, I didn’t have this strength, I didn’t have this passion, I didn’t have this determination, it’s the person I’m creating that is doing all this, the new me…I won’t lie, sometimes I do have bad thoughts but you know what I tell myself ? It’s a test ! Life is testing my mental toughness, my patience, if I want more I have to be sure that I give more, that’s the way it works, no other way around. I wish I could have understood all this when I was 22-23 years old, but I did know, and it’s not too late. Just last night I counted the hours that I typically do on a normal day, 17 hours, 5 AM to 10 PM. Around me there are a lot of notes about work, my iBook it’s full of knew knowledge that is waiting for me to be discovered and ready to be put into practice, but when you have a moment, just breathe…just breathe…
I guess at the moment WP is my best mate, given that I don’t really talk with anyone, or I guess those people who are around me wouldn’t understand. I just finished the gym, I’ve been faster today and this makes me feel pretty good, I love being fast ! The cold is slowly coming here in the UK ( which I don’t mind ) and while I was waiting at the bus stop it felt like I was back in Darwin, strange isn’t it ? I don’t know what it was, probably is the fact that I want to come back so bad and now that visualization is getting into reality, also if I’m not planning to go back there but somewhere else. I believe that the practice of visualization has an impact on this, indeed little by little that picture that I hold in my mind is getting into practical service, after the gym I spend 20 to 30 minutes visualizing my goal, and the person I intend to be and it works ! Of course it takes time to change your life, I no longer believe in the overnight success, all those moments just spent with my headphones dreaming about something that was impossible to put in action, truth is, you’ve got to dream about and at the same time you’ve got to go for it, that’s the only way I can achieve whatever I want in my life, and I will. I’m taking no day off, my day starts every day at 5 AM, and then is just research about new dishes, new kitchen books, new ways of cooking, new desserts, it’s such a broad world, so big that is endless, probably that’s the most beautiful thing about it. If I stop for a moment I can see what I’m becoming, no longer opening my eyes on a Monday morning just in order to get to Friday night and having fun, no longer getting at the 3th week of month entirely broke, no longer smoking, no longer being trapped into my dreams but conquering them instead. I’m creating a routine that is working and I will sharp that routine until it gets perfect, I won’t give up, I won’t be afraid, and if I am, I know that that fear is getting me out of my comfort zone, I tell myself that this is the only way to grow, hard work…and it doesn’t matter what people think, or say, if they are not going to see it for me I’m going to see it for myself and this is the only think that matters.
The old man is always right, hard work pays off…always
Staring at that picture, if it wasn’t for the icons on my desktop it feels like I’m there already, that city, those streets, I keep seeing everything and sometimes even new places from the deep inside of my memories occur to me again, I’m there already I just have to jump on that plane, but not yet, not now…I need some more foundation on my life, I need more resources and everything will come in the fullness of time I’m very positive about it, but it doesn’t always feel that way…sometimes I feel strange, like if the world stops and I just stare, everything looks more colorful, like if in those moments I’m in full control of my mind or that my mind is so clear that I can see what the real world looks like. My mind feeds on top of the environment I put it on, this is becoming everyday more clear so I’m becoming very careful about what I see, hear, touch, listen…I’m keeping my self from all the people who usually slander other people, talking about mates and colleagues, my mind is very positive, compared to what it was before, I just struggle in the early morning to keep it that way, usually I’ve got negative thoughts when I wake up, I don’t know why, but no matter what I’m going to solve it, I repeat to myself: That which I think, that I am. Auto-suggestion is playing a huge role in my life, also if I forget sometimes to use it, usually when I’m at work because I’m too caught up on it, and also because of this I make some mistakes, but its getting better…I know, if I want to work on my mind is going to take a bit of time, I need practice. Another thing I’ve noticed since I’ve started meditation, is the fact that I see the number ” 9 ” everywhere, usually when I look at the clock is : 5:59 or 7:59 or 12:59, 4:39, 2:29 and so forth…listen to this: last week I was working with a lady, Romanian, she had to count some green beans, and she said: How many of them ? I took a bunch and I said: This much will do it, she started counting them 1,2,3..6..9! And then she goes: Do you know that 9 is a lucky number ? In my mind I was like you’ve got to be kidding me right ? I keep seeing it, but the moment I’m looking for it, it doesn’t show up, the moment I’m careless, it does ! I’ve read on the internet that number 9 means transformation or changing…well, this is spot-on at the moment.
It’s gone, the fist week at work, and honestly I couldn’t wait to get here, I’m still scared and all the things I’ve got to catch up with are quite a lot, but as they say: If it doesn’t scare you a bit it means you don’t care too much about it, do you ? I guess this in a way it’s true. The kitchen is big there are a lot of chefs, and a few of them are not full-time like me, but they have got more experience because I’d never worked in a college before, and in a city like Oxford people have been doing the same job for decades, they just change place when it’s no longer convenient. They are all friendly with me, the head Chef seems very nice, she has a lot of piercings, which I like and she is quite handy as well, she does the office job and she goes down into the ” battlefield ” just when we need real help I was told. The Sous Chef, she is a bad ass one, now let me stop you here for a moment, if you are not familiar with chefs, you may not know that if you are a lady, probably what is left of you as a female is just the outside, you act, move, swear and work like a dude, unless you are married with children, this last thing changes everything in your life, but I’ve got to say that a lot of good female chefs are not married with children, I guess men couldn’t just cope with a ” woman ” like that, so they stay on their own, like my Sous Chef, you can hear her talking about sex, masturbation, vaginas, dicks and easily if some politician is talking on the radio and it rubs her wrong she can drop a: Because you’re a fucking cunt ! she has no shame, that is just the way she is, working in an environment when 97% of you colleagues all around the world are men, and they treat you and tell you off like a man for sure has an impact on your life. She is very good though, ” She knows her onions ” as a chef would say, and absolutely she doesn’t want to be disturbed, she tells you to do something and you gotta do it, what she doesn’t realise, as pretty much all the superiors all around the world do, unless you are very like, is the fact that they take everything for granted: do that, grab that, put that there, take that from there and whotnot…they don’t realise that you are new ! you don’t know the way things go, everybody has a different way to do things not to mention the fact that is your first week and you are all over the place. Another chef is B, he is very nice, so far the best one ever met, seems like he likes me as well, every time we met in the kitchen after the good morning, we were shaking hands, and if he was going before me, he was bumping his fist against mine, he said he didn’t know why he was doing that…fine by me mate ! Then there is M, he is working there for over a decade, I don’t know why but he reminds me of my father, he looks like him a bit, but my father works flat-out every day. M is slow, takes 2 hours to do one single thing, he sits for 1 hour and sometimes walks around aimlessly, but he is been there for a very long time and I’ve been told, if you have to go for advice, go to him because he knows, alright alright alright. I did 3 galas dinner this week, the menu was the same for everybody, yesterday the head chef left a note from an email on the staff table, and it was saying that the people had really enjoyed the dinner, and it was highlighted as well, like if she wanted to draw my attentions, I feel good about it…but tomorrow I have to prepare myself very good for the next week, I want to be better, I want to have better confidence in myself, that’s what I need, it seems difficult to cope with everything, I have to look after my nutrition, I have to look after my work out in the gym, I have to look after my new job, I wanted to get out of the comfortable zone and I did it, of course, is not going to be easy, we all know that, I know myself, takes me a long time to start doing something, but once I start I don’t want to miss a single step, no matter how much fatigue it costs me, no matter how many mornings I have to wake up at 5 on the dot and then I have to go to the gym, come back at home, having lunch while preparing food for the next day standing without sitting at the table, going to work scared but knowing that I want to give the best of myself and then coming back at home after 15.5 hours of going around and having the rest of the hours just to have a shower and sleep, because this fuels me up, my motivation doesn’t go down, I keep going and that’s what I like about myself, there are moments when I go down a bit, but I to look at myself in the mirror and I say: Why are you doing all this ? To make my life better than it was, so go out there and keep going because that’s the only way to do it.
I still can’t believe it myself, Monday I start my new job at the HF college, seems like everything I’ve wished for is coming true little by little, I can’t deny that it’s costing me sacrifices but I’m happy with that. I’m a bit scared and excited at the same time, when I went there for the trial basically I was shaking internally, I couldn’t understand what other people and the chef were telling me, like if I’d forgotten English, then a couple of days later the Sous Chef phoned me up and she said that I had successfully got the position there..I just guess I’m still working on the fact that I always belittle myself for no reason when probably I’m by far better then I think, as I said, I’m working on it. I did my last day at the OUC and when I walked out it felt like I’ve worked there 10 years when I barely worked there 1, in a couple of days I will have no memories at all about that place, I know myself. Talking about my personal life…not too much happening to be fair, also because I’m not socializing with a lot of people at the moment, things have gone so fast that if for a moment I stop myself and I look back I can’t believe where I was and what I was last year by this time, but I knew that this was a lonely path in the first place so I don’t bitch about it. K and D are downstairs having a beer in the backyard, before I heard the microwave going on and when I went downstair I saw the dish inside it, they were warming up cocaine, they behave like if I’m a police officer, when back in the time I was the first one who have explained them how to warm up and prepare cocaine before sniffing it, things that they had never heard about before me, you can’t see my face but I’ve got a smirk on it, it’s kinda funny and sad at the same time.
Talking about my mind, I can utterly say that 98% of my thoughts are in Australia, as the rest of my existence lol it may sound weird but I’ve left good part of Andrea over there and I have to get that dude back to his body, I don’t know why but I can feel inside myself that I belong to that place and it gives me unmeasurable pleasure, I can feel that my better half is going to be there I can feel that my best mates are going to be there I can feel that my life is going to be there and everything I’m doing and planning is steered towards Australia and I couldn’t be more happy about it. 🙂
I’ve never been that kind of man who was hooked up with sport whatsoever, I’ve never liked football, who doesn’t like football ? Me ! unless it was the FIFA Wolrd cup or a bit of basketball, but not even that much. 7 months ago this idea of having a good body started crossing my mind, I had no knowledge about exercising and supplementation but I did have knowledge about nutrition, it was my strong suit in the school and the only one as well. In the place where I work there is a little gym downstairs, and I mean little but it was enough to start, afterwards I switched to a professional one. I still remember my first order on Bobybuilding.com, protein ( Pro Jym ) and a bottle shaker I was so proud of my self the first day, it was a breakthrough in my life. Those first 3 months have been ” terrible ” because I still didn’t know how to fit the gym into my normal schedule and given that I was not used to that kind of routine, plus all the mistakes I was doing because I didn’t know how my body would have reacted to all of that, all the supplementation timing and preparation of the food I can utterly say it was a total clusterfuck. But then I got used to it, I started improving, I was losing body fat and I was building muscles and I discovered other supplements like a pre-workout and post-workout, fish oil, branched chain amino acids and whatnot, just the names creeped me out and I thought they would have hurt my body but then I started following Jim Stoppani and his supplementation company which is ” Jym supplement and science ” and I can tell you that in just 5 months I totally changed my physique
I’ve been told by many that I did a hell of a job, BTW now I’m trying to bulk and I’ve gained some mass, I took this picture this morning at the gym
I can’t help but say that the gym now is key in my life, it’s not just about muscles, it’s about getting out of the comfortable zone, it’s about reminding yourself that as the weights go higher your life can go higher as a well. Back in the past I would have watched TV-series until 2 AM and waking up in the morning just in time to get to work, now I wake up every morning at 5:30 AM just in order to get to the gym and don’t miss out a single work out. Feels good, doesn’t it ?
Lately, my life is changing a lot like she never did before ( Yes ! I like to refer to my life as a lady ) almost seems impossible to me to believe but is happening. Today is exactly 1 month without a cigarette, I used to smoke 1 pack and a half a day and I quit cold turkey, how did I do that ? Meditation and mindfulness practice, It’s helping me a lot and I can feel the difference every day, I’m always less distracted by stupid dreams and more focus on what I want to do, I started looking after my job, is not just about the money is about getting in a better position and my chef is realising that as well, also if I told him that I’m going to change place of work and indeed I’m applying as soon as they pop up in the local web site. 6 months ago I was a whole other person, with different thoughts, different attitude, different way of seeing the world and people around me, now sometimes I feel even strange, I don’t recognise myself, seems like there is less fog in my path and I can see where I’m going, I can see my feet, I can see the road…doesn’t feel like I’m walking aimlessly anymore because now I’ve got a goal to accomplish and I’m going towards that direction. I read on internet that this state is called: The awaking, I believe it’s true because I can feel different sensation, sometimes a bit weird but lovely at the same time, like you are in peace with yourself and the entire world, but what I like the most is that I’m not wasting my time anymore, I’m getting determined, organized, clever and the more I practice and the more it does get better. Of course, I don’t forget to look after my diet and hitting the gym regurarly because as far as I’m understanding it’s all a ripple effect
Meditation → Mindfulness
Healthy lifestyle ( Diet, Gym, Look after yourself )
Accomplish your goals
And then as one of my mates said: Ones you finish, rinse and repeat.
The way I also like to look at this is, I take care of myself and myself will take care of me, because since I’ve started I got this one think, and I don’t know It may be silly but at least keeps giving me motivation: In every person there are 3 different within, there is the mind, the body and the person, one does not have control on the other or just partly the only thing you can do is getting in harmony with all of them, and they will do likewise with you.
And this Easter is almost gone as well, actually ,I haven’t been doing anything for the past 3 years between Christmas and Easter, and honestly somehow I don’t regret it. As usual, I texted all of my friend back in my homeland, festivities are the only moment when you can have some news about me, probably is just because I have to ( What a piece of shit, am I ? ) Later on I will call my parents who are celebrating with other relatives, they really wish to see me any moment soon, it’s been a long time now…I mean, I love my family, but I don’t miss them, strange isn’t it ? Something deep inside me does not like that place, I’m good on my own having my space far away from everything and everyone…lately more than ever I daresay. My mate left the UK, he went in Japan for work for one week, what a lucky bugger, the best things always happen to him, If you don’t know he has 3 citizenships ( AU CA UK ) he doesn’t even realize how lucky he is…and truth be told I’d kill for the AU passport ( I’m very envy of that one yes ). The house is just for me and Tina the Spanish girl who’s dirty and shuffles her feet along the house pissing me off to death, I don’t even talk that much to her and she seems fine with that. I should text my friends here, my friends…a couple of ” homeless junkies ” people who did things that you could never even dream about, how could I forget all those nights with them, so many drugs and troubles were going on (that’s no longer myself ), also if I miss sometimes those moments, that crazy hostel and whatnot….
Finished my course today…it was very very boring, it always surprises me how some people can have a thing with something while I can draw a kite on a piece of paper, actually, I can draw a kite on a piece of paper also if the world is about to end in 30 sec, this doesn’t surprise me, sometimes it scares me. A few people over there while I was taking a huge amount of caffeine and I was splashing some cold water on my face so I couldn’t drop off…A girl drew my attention, at first sight she sounded eastern European but she didn’t look so, she didn’t do one single interaction, not a good morning when she was arriving and not a see you guys while she was leaving. She had a very black braid and ice color eyes, she wasn’t wearing a perfume either, I’m very careful about that one, then the sheet for the attendance came over and we had to sign it, I saw her name : C. Andersson with ” SS ” at the end…that’s a dead giveaway that she is Swedish ! then I looked at her closely, I’ve always been sure that I could figure out where people came from by looking at the shape of the nose, sounds crazy but 70% of the cases it does work, she is beautiful…and I know for sure that Sweden has the most beautiful girls on this planet, although they are not very friendly, they always look sad or depressed, that’s a matter of fact, a couple of mates of mine did confirm this as well. Once a bloke back in Australia told me that a lot of Swedish girls commit suicide due to the weather and when they are not enough beautiful…I have to verify this one. The test is done and we’re the only people who leave the room, she holds the door for me and I asked her where she comes from, Sweden she said…spot-on I thought…I should have asked her for a cup of coffee out but probably I wouldn’t have survived that one due to the high amount of caffeine from the previously ones…gone…Anyway, I’ve got two replies from Bremen University which I have to send them an email tomorrow…I’ll see how this two play out I want to prepare a very good speech this time.
And here I am, still looking for a job in north Europe, if you don’t know currently I’m working for Oxford University and I’m a chef, but I’m not British though, I’m looking through the universities in the Netherlands and in Germany at the moment, despite of what most of the people think I love north European languages. I’ve got so fed up here in the UK and I really think the moment for me to move has come, I feel too old for going around door after door asking for a job like I did in Australia, that’s too backpacker’s lifestyle, which I don’t feel at the moment…And that’s why I’m applying online, so far I’ve got just a few replies but not yet a real job offer. My best mate is downstairs, on the piss of course or under narcotics, because I can hear a lot of noises due to his staggering around, throwing stuff away and talking and swearing to himself ( He’s Aussi BTW ) I’m detaching myself from him, yes I do, I don’t want to be part of that world anymore…sometimes I really envy him, the only things that matter for him are : Beer, Music, Tinder…that’s it pretty much…But let’s come back to us, this morning I’ve been looking all over the Germany: Cologne, Hamburg, Bremen and a couple of others cities I don’t know how to spell the name properly, my main goals for the moment are Cologne and Bremen, there is not a real reason behind, I’ve just met back in the past a few people from there and they were nice with me, so I figured that moving to those places would be nice as well…I know it may sound very stupid but it did work in the past so I’m going to give this trick another shot…wish me luck guys…